A series of posts where the magical veil of the internet is stripped away and you can see how homeschooling life really works – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The house is not sparkling clean, the kids do not always behave like angels, and I may go a few days without a shower. As I delve into serious planning for next year’s school, I do what I always do – scour the blogs for ideas. I want to add more Catholicism to our everyday lives, so I find myself going to blogs like Totus Tuus Family, Shower of Roses, and Sanctus Simplicitus. These families are truly living out their faith every day. I have found great inspiration from them, but…
…there is a fine line between admiration and guilt.
I look at all the wonderful things these women do with and for their children (more children than I have, I might add) and at first I think, “I can do that.” Then, “I should do that.” Finally, “I don’t want to do that.” That is when the guilt sets in.
Can I really take all three of my small boys to daily Mass? Should I even try? I’ve never regularly attended daily Mass before.
Can I get us all to say a nightly rosary together? I don’t do this for myself.
Can I plan our homeschool around the Liturgical calendar, celebrating every feast and saint along the way? I can’t even pronounce the names of some saints.
Not only do I not do these things, I don’t really want to try. Some of that stems from a feeling of inadequacy. I’m such a baby Catholic myself, how can I possibly teach other babies how to live their faith? There is a fear that I will do it wrong. And some of it is laziness. Who in their right mind wants to wrestle three boys in a pew more than once a week?
But won’t I damage their relationship with God if I don’t make the extra effort? I will have failed my most important parental responsibility. The guilt piles up.
Being who I am, I try to search and dig and plan and schedule my way to a deeper desire for God. It always fails. I know I must submit myself to the mercy of Christ and ask for an increase in faith. I must be like Mary and choose the better path, but God made me a Martha. I need an orderly house. I need a schedule for the day. I need to be busy.
Prayer is a struggle, not one of time, but one of want. I know in my heart that my service to my family is a prayer in itself, but sometimes it feels like I am speaking a language that God cannot understand. I am lost in translation.
The beginning of school approaches. The books have been bought. The lessons are being planned. Long ago, I brushed off the pull of competing with other moms on child rearing. I don’t much care about breast vs. bottle feeding, attachment vs. independent parenting, or how anyone gets their baby to sleep at night. But as I look to other Catholic homeschoolers for encouragement, I find myself asking, “Am I Catholic enough?”
The greater question is, “Catholic enough for whom?”
~ Catie
Thought I’d share some thoughts with you (and thank you for sharing our site!). Our priest once told us that we didn’t know how Protestant we were. This is what inspired my look into the Liturgical Year of the Church. I’m a convert and a very baby Catholic of only 10 years, so you are in similar company! By no means is my life perfect and I’m the worst example of having an orderly house! Ask my husband :p We should all, always be striving to perfect our lives as Catholic and so that is probably why you feel guilt. Really it is the inspirations of the Holy Ghost, it is a gift! You have those inspirations because God has given you a great gift to seek Him out more, every day in everything! That is how Catholic life is intended to be, everything for God and always for God. It doesn’t have to look like another person’s blog because we all have our own approaches to things but it must look as God wants it. What the Church teaches and it teaches many things on every subject, She is our guide, our compass, our great teacher of what God expects from us on earth. That is why on my blog I *try* to keep my opinion out and let Her teachings shine threw. There are many a great books on every subject written and approved by the Church. Seek those books out that pertain to your questionings! I HIGHLY recommend the investment in Dom Gueranger’s Liturgical Year. I think this will hold many of the answers you seek. And also for us mothers the book Perfection of Christian Motherhood is ideal for how we should run our daily lives.. its available online for free in audio and printable form.. a short simple to the point book. And for a Catholic Education there are many a book.. seek those before 1958 that have imprimaturs as they all hold the answer to what that education looks like. We are all of the Mystical Body of Christ and so it is natural to seek what others are doing for our answers and then to take those teachings of the Church and either apply them to what others do or see them in what others are doing and use them in our homes. The fight for our place in Heaven is indeed a fight, a struggle, a battle! And we are not always inclined to do as we should, in fact many times we are not at all, but that is the question God poses to us. Will we fight for HIM? To be with Him in eternity? So to answer you question of whom are you doing this for… you are doing it for HIM. He provides for everything He sent us if we only ask for the help, the grace, to bear our crosses. A sister in Christ Jesus, Our Lord, CeAnne
CeAnne,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and the book recommendations. I can definitely look at my feelings as a gift of the Holy Spirit! That gives me great hope and new determination to keep striving for heaven, even when I get the blahs. I still hope to use your liturgical calendar ideas for our school one day. They are fantastic! I’m going to wait until the boys are a bit older though.
Peace be with you.
I’m glad that it was helpful, sometimes its hard to communicate thoughts over the internet
Our boys are 7 and 8 and just love our calendar.. I’m surprised as is my husband as to what they pick up from it! I’m thankful to God for the inspiration of making it as it has really been a wonderful teaching tool to our family. Without God’s grace it wouldn’t have been! May He send you many blessings!
I have been struggling with this so much lately. I’ve always been Catholic, sometimes more than others. Recently I joined a bible study group my neighbor belonged to thinking I could do some bible study, meet some other moms & maybe make some new friends. Mostly it’s made me feel completely inadequate. Not only am I not able to home school right now, I am not even able to send my daughter to Catholic school right now. Actually I am ok with that, I LOVE her school and teachers. I try really hard not to compare myself to other mothers, but when I hear about the projects and lessons and “stuff” I feel like I’m just not enough. Then I hear how one family rewards their children with a trip to the catholic supply store for a prayer card. SERIOUSLY, a prayer card for behaving all week, that’s just not going to cut it at my house, and I feel like my daughter is reall sweet and greatful for the things she has, not greedy or spoiled at all.
It’s so hard. I think even the “perfect” mom will look around and think there is something else they can be doing. I’ve searched and searched for blogs of Catholic mom’s who work and don’t home school, I’m still searching. But thank you for helping me to see that we are all in the same boat in the end.
Melissa,
Thanks so much for sharing your struggles with us. If I ever come across any working mommy blogs that I think are inspirational, I will make sure to send them your way.
It sounds like you are raising your daughter to have a loving and generous heart and that is more important than any of the ‘stuff.’ In the end, we will be judged on how we behaved and loved and not on what we know. I would do well to follow your example and focus on my childrens’ character. I get too caught up on making them learn their faith, because it is so rich. But none of that will matter if I don’t first teach them to love.
Peace be with you always.